A Learning Experience

Artwork by Ashlie Curtis

It is fascinating how one person can completely transform their perception of something over time by undertaking a totally new and different set of experiences. This was my experience with the legal system - more specifically, the adult drug court program.

When I graduated from West Liberty University in 2009 with a bachelor’s degree in graphic design, I had big plans for myself. I wanted to move to Florida to be with my family and my ultimate goal was to work for Disney. I wanted to light the world on fire with my creativity and passion for art and design. Instead, some woman in a periwinkle Chrysler PT Cruiser ran a red light and t-boned me in my driver’s side door. This was the most pivotal moment in my life and I didn’t even know it yet.

The accident was bad and due to the injuries I sustained, I was placed on a high dose of narcotic painkillers. Over the period of the next year I became addicted to the medication that I later found out was being extremely over-prescribed, and when the pain clinic I was going to was shut down by the DEA, my addiction spiraled out of control.

My life became a blur of chaos and misery for the next ten years. I lost custody of my children. I lost several jobs. I lost meaningful relationships. I lost myself. I was doing whatever I could to maintain my habit. I was no longer in control of my own existence. I had no regard for public safety and I would undermine any law if it meant I didn’t have to be dopesick.

All of that antisocial behavior caught up with me and I found myself smack dab in the middle of the legal system. I had been in trouble before, but it was only misdemeanor offenses that didn’t really put a damper on my lifestyle, but now I had acquired five felonies in two states in a very short amount of time. I was getting ready to have my life saved. However, I didn’t see it that way.

I was offered house arrest and Drug Court as part of my sentence. I didn’t know much about it, but I was still using drugs and I figured it would buy me a little time so I could just get high a little longer. I was going to figure out how to beat the system so I could avoid prison and still get high.

Spoiler: I was not successful. I lasted exactly thirty days on house arrest at my father’s house (he suffers from mental health disorders, and we don’t have a healthy relationship at all) before I was put back in jail for thirty days for failing a drug screen and trying to connive my way out of going to detox.

While serving the thirty day sanction in West Virginia, I missed court in Ohio for the two felonies I had committed there, so I was extradited to Belmont County after serving the thirty day sanction. This just so happened to be on January 30, my birthday. I was subsequently sentenced to drug court in Ohio as well and had no choice but to go to detox if I wanted to stay out of prison.

I went from detox to a thirty day rehab, and from there, I went to the W.I.N.D. program at the YWCA, and the staff there maintained communication with my house arrest officers and my probation officers for West Virginia and Ohio. I was required to attend class five days a week, check in with both probation officers regularly, attend twelve step meetings and life skills classes, and attend all programming required in the Adult Drug Court program. They would also attend my drug court hearings to keep track of my progress in the Drug Court program.

I absolutely hated the constant supervision at first and I felt like everyone was expecting too much from me and they all secretly wanted me to fail. What I didn’t realize at that time was these people saw the potential I possessed and they wanted to see me succeed and what I saw as me being criticized and singled out was actually me being held accountable for my decisions.

Somewhere along the way, I started thinking more clearly because I was no longer poisoning my mind with drugs. I started focusing on the things that I could control in my life. I started feeling a little better about who I was because I was passing drug screens and doing productive things for myself that I had never done before (even if it was required). I started listening to people in meetings that were speaking up about the same things I was feeling but I was too afraid to talk about it. I started to realize that I wasn’t unique. There were tons of people going through the same things that I was, and they were staying sober. Maybe I could too. I started listening to those people and taking suggestions. I started actually paying attention in the classes I had to attend for adult drug court and instead of just giving superficial answers or telling the facilitators what I thought they wanted to hear, I started really looking at areas of my life and where and how I could improve them.

I started to learn that my addiction was just a symptom of a much deeper problem. I didn’t realize how sick I was until I finally got away from all of the sickness—and I would have never gotten away from all of the sickness on my own. I was oblivious to so much about myself because I was raised in an environment that didn’t allow for introspection or growth. I was constantly in a state of panic or fear due to the hostile environment my father created. My sisters and I were constantly trying to avoid punishment and confrontation, but that was an impossible task. My father was an alcoholic and he was extremely abusive, so any small infraction was grounds for harsh punishment.

I say this because it is one of the main sources of so many different struggles in my life; some of which I am still addressing today. It caused me to distrust any form of authority. I thought physical violence was normal. I believed that I was never going to amount to anything because that is what I was always told. I would end up in abusive relationships with controlling men. I thought that drug use was normal and was an acceptable form of dealing with life. I thought that every system was corrupt and ran on dishonesty.

I lacked accountability because I always watched my father blame his situation on every person, system, or institution other than himself. I had carried so much of this unknowingly into my adult life and was never in a safe enough environment to take a deeper look at myself and make necessary changes.

I soon realized that the more connected I got within the community, the better I felt at the end of the day--and the more support I had on the days I didn’t feel so great.

I was getting more involved with my NA home group and I started making friends that were rebuilding their lives just like I was. I was able to talk about things that were concerning me and I had people that could not only relate, but also share their experience. We were learning from each other.

It felt good to go to Drug Court and tell the judge that I was doing really well--and actually mean it. I started to like accountability. It made me want to keep pushing myself. I was finally steering the ship of my own life for the first time.

I decided to go back to school, and I was working two jobs. I started having a relationship with my children again. I started paying off all of my fines, which seemed like an endless journey, but it was all necessary.

I loved the way I felt when I knew I was doing the right thing. I no longer felt guilt and shame every day about who I was. I felt confident and full of purpose. I wanted to be proof that recovery is possible. I kept pushing. I kept listening. I kept staying sober.

Two weeks before I graduated from Drug Court, I finally paid off the last of my fines and got my drivers license back after eleven years. I had completed the welding program at Northern and had gotten my heavy equipment operator license. My favorite part was that I was working for a non-profit in the community that allowed me to work with other people in recovery while also working with children to help build resilience through self-expression in art.

Being in drug court and having to take a deeper look at the layers of my life and aspects of my personality allowed me to realize that essentially, I was the problem. Yes, I could blame a lot on my unsavory childhood, but at some point as adults, we have to make a choice to be responsible for ourselves. I had endured a lot of turmoil and pain in life, but if I wasn’t willing to learn and grow from it, then I was always going to be the victim. If I wasn’t willing to build personal resilience through seeking knowledge and support from the community, then I was the problem. But that was good news, because that meant I could also take responsibility and be the solution.

All the most negative impacts on my

life were the result of the trauma and false beliefs that were instilled into me at a young age unknowingly.

It wasn’t until I was exposed to the structure of the Drug Court system and the W.I.N.D. program at the YWCA that I was able to take a multifaceted approach to success through self reflection, accountability, and involvement in the community.

When I graduated from Drug Court, I maintained those positive connections. I continued to attend therapy and NA meetings. I continued to help others and stay involved in the community. I kept doing the things that had paved the road to my success. I remained grateful for the opportunity I had been given to change my life. After all, if I would have kept doing what I had always done, I would have been sitting in a prison cell.

I decided to go back to school to be a substance abuse intervention specialist so I can help people change their lives too.

That legal system that I had once thought of as corrupt and intrusive was now the much-needed bulldozer that came in and cleared the rubble in order for me to build a solid foundation for a much more confident, healthy, and fulfilling life. Sometimes what we see in life as opposition is actually opportunity.

There is a quote by John Maxwell that I try to live by these days: “Change is inevitable; growth is optional.”

We can fight change all we want, but it is bound to happen, and sometimes it’s just what we need to realize our own potential. We just have to be willing to be part of the solution and not the problem. We are always right where we need to be.