Entering Recovery Series: Step 1
Step 1: Admitted that we were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable.
In the course of this series, I will be discussing MY experience with the 12 steps of recovery, which are the essence of recovery programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Al-Anon, Nar-anon, etc. Each person who embarks on this journey works the steps differently, so my experience as an individual may be nothing like yours. In fact, some of you may wonder how I have even stayed abstinent these 17 years!
Dear Reader,
I knew, at the age of 14, that my drinking was alcoholic. I had three beers the first time. Bliss! I’d found the answer to my depression, anxiety, feelings of desperation and emptiness. I was eager to repeat the experience. Therefore, I did—for 7 days straight. At the end of the week, I asked my 14-year-old self, “I wonder if I’m an alcoholic.” The answer was “yes,” but it was necessary for me to pile up enough negative consequences before I was ready to quit. I went to rehab at 19 and began my recovery. I did not drink for 15 years, but began smoking marijuana after about eight years. I eventually had a full-blown relapse, which lasted for five years. I had not had much luck with the steps the first eight years or so. I was stuck on Step 9, “Made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” My apologies to my immediate family were made, of course, but to set out upon a course of penitence to the vast number of people I thought I had harmed was overwhelming to me. My self-esteem was such that I could not admit to people that I had wronged them without debilitating fear and self-loathing. Thus, I never completed the 12 steps the first time around in recovery.
The SECOND time I entered recovery, I was quite ready. The consequences of my addiction were such that I knew that I could not go on. I had either to give in to the bottle, or give in to sobriety. My recovery commenced from that day. When I walked into my first AA meeting after a 5-year relapse, many whom I had loved and respected were still in recovery, and happily greeted me. I experienced none of the shame and judgement that I was heaping upon myself from the long-time members. My life WAS unmanageable—I had lost a house, a husband, and decided that I would no longer be able to sustain working if I continued to drink. My back was against the wall. It was do or die. To avoid years of continuing misery and an alcoholic death, I weaned myself off the wine for a couple of days, and then stopped. (I was fortunate not to have severe withdrawal symptoms. Alcohol withdrawal can be fatal. Please seek professional guidance before quitting. I was too embarrassed to do so.)
My drinking evidenced my powerlessness. I couldn’t NOT drink. Day after day, I drank as much as I could, with the aim of oblivion from pain and hopelessness. One of my favorite quotes is “Addiction is not a disease of pleasure, but a disease of misery and pain.” The drinking was out of my control, until I was ready to give it up. “I asked God to take away my addiction, and God said “no,” it’s not mine to take, but yours to give up.” I was presented with this thought in an email from a loved one. The email was entitled “God Said No,” and this was amongst the list. It shook me to the core. No one was responsible for helping me—I had to help myself. I had to take the first step of admitting I was powerless over my addiction, that I couldn’t stop, and that my life was unmanageable.
If you are in need of assistance to stop using alcohol and/or drugs, please call the WV Helpline, 1-844-HELP4WV, any day, any time.