Milestones
For the last month or so I haven’t really felt too good. I’ve felt depressed, lethargic, and ambivalent towards most things, including myself. Perhaps it is no coincidence that during this time I have also been thinking hard on the concept of milestones in the context of my own addiction recovery.
During the month of August, I observed the one year anniversary of my sobriety. Aware that this milestone was approaching, a friend had recently asked me what I wanted to do to celebrate. I responded that I really didn’t feel like celebrating at all. I’ve never been the type for party hats and streamers, but there’s more at play here than my own general aversion to fun. My sober date coincides with the anniversary of the death of one of my closest and oldest friends and as such, August 19th to me is not a date I felt comfortable celebrating.
In the end, the day was one of mostly quiet contemplation for me. I mostly stayed at home and cleaned. I called up some old friends and also decided to start taking my antidepressants again. Only one or two people remembered that the day held some significance for me. They congratulated me, I thanked them. It didn’t bother me that many of my other friends had forgotten, after all I had taken conscious and practical action to not advertise the day as anything but another summer day.
I may not be as much fun as you. Maybe you like to(or are planning to) get together with other sober and/or supportive friends on the date you got clean and celebrate in a safe way. Maybe you go bowling or something, I don’t know. However, I assume that I am not the only one whose anniversary comes with a complex set of emotions. After all, I don’t know many people who decided to get sober because their life was going too well. Although it may not make logical sense to those who have never struggled with addiction, the people who do that I’ve spoken to understand where I’m coming from when I tell them that I’ve thought about drinking more frequently in the last month than I did in the first few months of my sobriety.
The dates and events we remember are chained to memories of people, places and things. The recollection of them in turn reminds us of more and more, and more and more. In the last month, I’ve found myself overturning many old memories; recollections of the final days of my drinking and the events that finally compelled me to go to rehab, as well as an onslaught of other memories from my drinking years. All of it: bad, good, and indifferent. For many of us in recovery, as well as those of us still active in our addiction - who are already prone to mental and emotional health problems - this type of ‘rabbit-hole’ thinking can be dangerous.
For those of us who may not feel like celebrating in a conventional sense, as well as those who do, it is still imperative to practice self care. Ask yourself: “What sort of things can I do that will benefit my mental, emotional, physical, social and spiritual health?” as well as “Why is it that I believe these things will help?” Self reflection as well as a critical examination of one’s own thoughts, feelings, actions and decisions are very important to sustained mental and emotional health, and crucial to a healthy and sustained recovery on any day; during times of the year or specific days that hold specific significance to us, it is particularly important to pay attention to the thoughts and feelings we are having, and to try to understand the reasons we are having them.
When asked what they plan to do for their sobriety milestone, I’ve heard a formidable number of them answer jokingly that they are going out for a drink to celebrate! I’ve said it myself, more than once. This little bit of dark humor shows that substance use is never too far from our minds. On our paths of recovery we will have all kinds of days, good, bad, and indifferent. Staying sober can be a complicated and nuanced struggle on an ordinary day, and can be even more so on days that carry with them emotional baggage and significant memories; I implore each and every one of us to stay hyper vigilant even on the days that are supposed to be celebratory, lest our milestones turn to stumbling blocks.